The truth is, I don’t like conflict and shy away from it whenever possible. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered that sometimes conflict is unavoidable. And whether it’s the contentious times in which we live or perhaps me losing some of my social filters, I am finding myself enmeshed in more conflicts, even with people I love, than I ever thought I would. For someone with more than a few insecurities and something of a temper, that’s not a good thing!
Enter Jay Payleitner’s new book–and just in the nick of time! “Don’t Take the Bait to Escalate” is short on theory but long on common sense, practical advice, and understated but biblical principles to help us defuse our potentially explosive interactions. Jay breaks down his strategy in easy-to-digest bites, with “four factors,” “three mistakes,” and “two choices,” followed by a wealth of case studies outlining different kinds of conflicts and how to de-escalate them. He even includes some “tactics and tricks” when everything else has failed.
I particularly like his “four factors”: (1) Decide what you really want; (2) Know the risks; (3) Empathize with your adversary; and (4) Expect the win. In the book Jay is positive without being a Pollyanna. Without digging into biblical anthropology, Jay keeps it light even as he helps readers grapple with the realities of human sin and brokenness. Sharing some of his own successes and failures in this realm, Jay understands the biblical truth that we are dust.
When we’re faced with unavoidable conflict, “Don’t Take the Bait to Escalate” is a practical, hands-on toolkit to help us keep our cool, respect the other person, and reach creative and (it is hoped) mutually beneficial solutions. I can’t wait to start applying some of Jay’s insights the next time I have to deal with conflict–which is probably going to be today.